An all too common trumpet player trope is the quest for the Holy Grail. In case you’re not in the loop, the Holy Grail is a mouthpiece so stupendous that it plays the upper register on autopilot, makes it so you never frack another note again in your life, gives you exactly the sound you want regardless of the setting, and creates you delicious sandwiches to boot! The allure is all too clear: one mouthpiece to rule them all.
From a distance, we all know that a mouthpiece that does everything is not possible. We recognize that there are trade-offs. Yes, we can optimize but there are limits. A flugelhorn mouthpiece will never work for lead trumpet, and your commercial piece is not a great choice for a Charlier etude!
When we are exercising our rational faculties and playing well enough to keep the equipment devil off your shoulder, the idea of a Holy Grail mouthpiece is laughable. We understand the futility such a quest would bring, from empty wallets to shattered dreams of Double C’s and delicious sandwiches. But the equipment devil on your shoulder has other ideas, “What if it could? What if the Holy Grail is real?!”
Ah, but times have changed. With the advent of the internet and social media, what used to be a quiet obsession discussed in hushed tones among trumpet players at the local music store has now exploded into an endless scroll of forum posts, YouTube reviews, and Instagram ads. It’s the golden age for the mouthpiece safari, both a blessing and a curse.
Of course, there are those legendary stories of players who switched mouthpieces and suddenly unlocked a new level of playing, like winning the golden ticket in a chocolate bar. But remember, they are the exception, not the rule, and their success often seeds false hope in the rest of us.
Under normal conditions you can keep the devil at bay. But then… insert a couple of bad practice sessions, insert a feeling of no progress on the trumpet, insert an embarrassing performance or two. And then the final blow: as you feverishly scroll through social media at 1 a.m., you’re targeted by an ad for the next shiny, sparkly, ‘Dubba C’-creating mouthpiece. The little devil on your shoulder finally wins. “Ah, yes!”, you exclaim to yourself. Let the mouthpiece safari begin!
How soon we forget.
Now the “ritual” commences. Just like a real safari, the initial buildup is quite exciting but instead of lions and antelope we seek different cup diameters, metal choices, and rim shapes. To the uninitiated, the options seem endless! Countless brands, a multitude of shapes, sizes, materials, and every manufacturer claims superiority. The gear head in you might geek out on specs. “Hmmm, a 16.75mm diameter is certainly what I need, 16.8? Poppycock!”
Regardless of your approach, you start to test. After carefully selecting your pool of mouthpieces, you do what everyone does: attempt to hit Double C’s (you won’t hit them, and yet you must try; for honor’s sake, you must). You must also play as loud and for as long as possible (rest is for the weak); it’s a rite of passage.
Now, based on your very thorough and scientific play test, you are ready to fork over $100-400 (a pop!) of your hard-earned dollars. Congratulations, you’re the proud owner of a mouthpiece (or several) that will live in your closet until you take your final breath on this earth.
Of course, this won’t happen right away. You’ll rather enjoy your new mouthpiece for a few days to even a week or two. This is known as the “honeymoon stage.” You think you’ve found the Holy Grail, but it’s just the placebo effect.
Epilogue: As I pen this cautionary tale, I hear a knock at the door. Ah, the FedEx guy, herald of hope and disappointment. He hands me a large package from Lotus Mouthpieces — over 15 pieces in my specific rim size. The paradox isn’t lost on me. I’m like a gambler warning about the ills of the roulette wheel, all while placing another bet on an entire lineup. Yes, the quest continues, not because we don’t know better, but perhaps because we can’t help but hope. Hope for that Holy Grail, and maybe — just maybe — a delicious sandwich.
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Footnotes:
1. Some say the one true mouthpiece also comes with free Wi-Fi. But that’s just a legend.
2. Note: Equipment devil may not actually talk, but if he did, he would sound like Morgan Freeman.
3. In days gone by, you had to actually speak to another human being to get bad advice on mouthpieces.
4. In a parallel universe, 0.05mm could be the difference between you and Wynton Marsalis.
5. Rumor has it, this tradition has deep roots as trumpet players of old would duel to the highest note; the last one conscious was traditionally awarded his choice of bride — or a mouthpiece, whichever he valued more.
6. If we could bottle and sell the placebo effect, we’d put mouthpiece manufacturers out of business.
7. This is not a self-help piece; it’s a cry for help.
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